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Dear Beef Jerky Manufacturers,

I am a stupid American, and so I often find myself shoveling your disgusting dried meat product into my face as I drive away from the grocery store. The necessary obliviousness inherent to this situation means that often times, I will throw items of similar texture and consistency into my mouth, as a show of faith in your quality control, of course.

This brings me to the tiny plastic packet that lies inside your bag of jerky. I’m told that it holds magical properties of freshness for itself and anything that surrounds it. I’ve seen them in pill bottles too. Beef Jerky and Pills could be a Toby Keith song for sure! But I digress.

I’m fairly certain that those little mother fuckers are poisonous and I am 100% certain that I am plenty stupid enough and have a big enough head to have swallowed or bitten into them before. I’ve done the research to that end. It is rock solid.

I have spent most of my adult life poisoning myself to various degrees, some more socially acceptable than others. I’m already eating your nitrate-soaked rat meat, for fuck’s sake! I simply ask that you perhaps produce a little less product and/or find a freshness witch to bless your bags before shipment so that we can put an end to your poison packets. I think that together, we can make mindless consumption of prepackaged garbage safe again.

Very, sincerely, cancer-inducingly yours,
Alec Jace Yetter😘

Alec Jace
I am an online ad-serving expert, but I have been a writer and performer all my life. This website is my first legitimate attempt at an outlet that is specific to my voice. It will probably be awful.

Alec Jace
I am an online ad-serving expert, but I have been a writer and performer all my life. This website is my first legitimate attempt at an outlet that is specific to my voice. It will probably be awful.

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