Menu

Jurassic World is Going to be a Shitty Movie… Here’s Why.

Watch it and I’ll explain after the break.

Seems like a pretty awesome action movie, right? It very well could have some good entertainment value at some point, but here is why Jurassic World is going to be an overwhelmingly shallow and forgettable movie: Its going to be stupid.. Willfully stupid. Why?

1. You might assume my rant is going to be about a genetically modified dino. No.
Really the only seriously stupid thing about that is that they obviously did so using the most violent and dangerous aspects of whatever dinosaur they’ve modified. As far as I can tell, its a T-rex with long arms. If they were going to pull something like this, why not create something truly unique and sci-fi? We’ve seen the t-rex and the allosaur in past movies. They could have used the Pterosaur and made this about flying death. That would have been new.

The next criticism might seem trite but I’m going for it…

2. If dinosaurs are ever brought back, they won’t be the big ones.
At least not the towering ones. Why? The reason they were that big in their time on earth is because the atmosphere was extremely thin back then. Under these conditions, their hearts would be too massive to pump blood, causing dino strokes and cardiac arrest. Okay, this is a Spielberg movie, maybe I can let that go.

1416942744-69f219833de51e36a8f3fa3deea0268e-600x286

3. They try a concept that contradicts itself
This is an amusement park now, right? No, its a scientific experiment. Well, its both, and no person would ever include those two things in the same place. Can you imagine how terrified Disney is for a kid to die on their rides? There are failsafes and safety measures EVERYWHERE. They don’t need lawsuits. Now combine the same concept to a place where science is being done. Science is typically pretty fucking dangerous, illustrated by lab coats, goggles, gloves and containment facilities (that’s a science thing right?) Now you’ve got a relative “Disney World,” (where kids already get lost at the drop of a hat) and throwing them in glass balls to navigate a isolated island covered in running, clawing, death. What could go wrong?

4. They refuse to acknowledge archeological advances
Velociraptors were not that big. Not by a hundred pounds. The first time they portrayed raptors, it was relatively excusable because no one knew much about the animals, but they still got flack for exaggerating their size. I love dinosaurs and archeology, and it offends me that they probably plan on lying to kids (who lets be honest, are a major demographic for this movie) for as long as they keep making Jurassic flicks. Its also been strongly speculated in recent years that T-rex was more of a scavenger than a violent animal, and lets be honest, there will be a t-rex chase.

3039097-inline-i-2-jurassic-world

5. Velociraptors are now domesticated hunting dogs.
At the end of the trailer, you can clearly see that Chris Pratt is not being attacked by the pack of raptors, he’s being escorted.That would never happen. It doesn’t happen with any animal other than dogs, who we have domesticated for a hundred thousand years. Imagine trying to do that with a pack of tigers. You’d have a huge empty spot above your neck in seconds.

Conclusion
This might seem obnoxious to some, as it is a big blockbuster and Spielberg is not known for doing hugely realistic films.. But my nerdy sensibilities cannot allow this to go without protest. I’m already completely removed from the film and I’ve only see 150 seconds of it. And that blows, because I LOVED the Jurassic Park movies growing up. My inner child and my inner nerd are both very upset.

Alec Jace
I am an online ad-serving expert, but I have been a writer and performer all my life. This website is my first legitimate attempt at an outlet that is specific to my voice. It will probably be awful.

Alec Jace
I am an online ad-serving expert, but I have been a writer and performer all my life. This website is my first legitimate attempt at an outlet that is specific to my voice. It will probably be awful.

No comments

Leave a Reply

Subscribe to The Superluminal

Join 1 other subscriber

Hey, nice tweets!